Miss Information

Dear Miss Information,

I hope you can help me with this, it seems like it’d be your area of expertise. I’m trying to figure out how to ask out this one girl. We have a couple of classes together and we’ve talked a little bit. She seems nice and smart and she’s really pretty. I don’t really know how to talk to her more though. I was wondering if you could give me some tips? Like how to start a good conversation or something? I kinda wanna ask her out but I should probably build up to that, right? 

The other day I caught her staring at me during class but she looked away really quickly. Does this mean she likes me? Or is it because my hair looked weird or something? I just don’t know. How do I know if she likes me or not? How do I know if I should ask her out? Help!

Sincerely, Crushing and Confused

Dear Crushing and Confused,

This is certainly a tricky problem! I’m glad you were brave enough to reach out. That’s the first step to doing better. Good job! However, there’s definitely room for improvement here. It sounds like you know next to nothing about this girl. Let’s work on that first. Then, I will share with you a foolproof plan for winning her heart, which has worked for me personally. Let’s proceed to phase one. 

First, you need to get to know her better. Send her a Google Form asking her about her likes, dislikes, personal background and criminal record. This way, you can gather important data. Make sure she doesn’t know that you were the one to send it. You can do this by making a fake email account, posing as a department from Eastern University. Say, the psychology department, who would need her data for an important new study. Or pretend to be Sodexo, wanting to know more about their customer base. This will make her feel important. It also creates mystery and intrigue, which leads us into phase two.

Phase two is to completely ignore her. Don’t go to class; skip as many as you possibly can. You need to completely disappear. The goal is to make her wonder if you ever even existed, or were just a beautiful figment of her wildest daydreams. This will make her more interested in you, because she will be confused. Women love being confused. She will love that you’re playing hard to get and will develop strong feelings towards you. This buildup and anticipation makes phase three all the more exciting. 

Phase Three: The Finale. Gather all her favorite things–that you learned from the Google Form–and arrange them properly in a secure location. Prepare a speech. Put on your power outfit. Next, create a scavenger hunt on paper for her and have a trusted friend slip it in her pocket during class. Each clue of the scavenger hunt should lead her a step closer to the aforementioned secure location, where you will be anxiously awaiting her arrival (in your power outfit). Once she finally arrives, recite your speech in a heartfelt manner. This speech should include why you like her and compliments on her looks and behaviors. Make sure to include details that you learned about her from the Google poll. She will be thrilled.

At this point, you will want to get down on one knee and produce a ring. Then of course you say the magic words: Will you marry me? 

Hope this helps! I look forward to receiving a save the date for your wedding. 

Sincerely, Miss. Information

Looking for advice or encouragement? Have a problem that needs solving? Submit your questions and dilemmas to Miss Information! Write to wtonline@eastern.edu!