Have you ever had to use the back path to Centennial for class and gotten stuck behind a group of inconsiderate chit-chatters? I sure have. I mean, come on, is the conversation that important that I have to walk at an elderly person’s pace, listening to you talk about how annoying the ping sounds from the baseball field are? It is very annoying, but what’s more annoying is me being late for class because you can’t wait to talk. Of course, I completely understand that conversations about weekend plans, someone’s situationship or the dining commons running out of mozzarella sticks are extremely urgent matters that must be discussed immediately in the center of the walkaway. As you’ll see in my other article, I get fed up with a lot of things, but slow walking, plus Loubetsi being a dishonest writer? I can’t take it anymore.
Which is why I am petitioning (again) for Eastern to implement a slow lane for the group walkers and the scenic strollers. Unlike some people, others and I have places to be, people to see and work to do, so get out of the way! I feel like the slow lane would be beneficial for students because not only do the “slows” avoid being in the way, but they also get to relax and gossip. Approximately 97% of the time, students are late to class because they are stuck behind groups of three or more people walking side by side. I constructed a well-written, thought-out proposal about this slow lane, and even spoke with a few students and faculty about how they felt. Many of the students reported being late to class and getting stiff legs because of this tragedy. Matheus Wichocki, a known speedster, angrily said, “I got so tired of walking slowly that I started stepping on the back of their heels.” Eastern agrees that this is supposed to be a thing on campus; in fact, President Matthews even said, “I’m tired of having to walk slowly, too!” That’s the big man agreeing, so this needs to happen immediately!
Clearly, the people have spoken. When students and faculty are united over something this serious, the administration should be listening carefully. Eastern prides themself on solving problems with innovation and collaboration, but somehow, the simple issue of walking speed has slipped through the cracks. We have advanced technology, modern buildings and countless committees dedicated to improving campus life, yet the simple act of walking from one building to another has become a logistical nightmare.
Now, at this point, you’re probably wondering what this “slow lane” would look like. It’s actually a simple concept. All the paths inside the campus are specifically going to be reserved for the fast walkers, while the roads are reserved for the slow walkers. That way, everybody who is actually a considerate human being gets to class on time, while the empty schedule losers interfere with the traffic. Speaking of traffic, this will also be beneficial because we need to put a stop to all the drivers on campus who are going over the speed limit. If you’re a law-abiding citizen, this slow lane wouldn’t even bother you at all. No, this is not me projecting because I am jealous of the students who have their stupid cars. I feel like implementing this slow lane is killing two birds with one stone, and anyone who is against this can honestly take it up with somebody else.
Of course, implementing this system will require some adjustment. Signs will have to be posted, rules will have to be explained and some people might initially struggle to accept that their stroll now belongs in the road. But progress always comes with resistance. History has shown us that every great idea, from seatbelts to online registration, was once met with skepticism. I imagine the same thing will happen here. At first, people will complain, but eventually they will realize that the system works.
Some critics might even say this idea is unrealistic or unnecessary. To those people, I ask one simple question: Have you ever actually tried to walk across campus between classes? If the answer is yes, then you understand the struggle. If the answer is no, then congratulations on apparently having unlimited free time to wander around at half speed. At the end of the day, implementing a slow lane is about respect. Respect for people’s time, respect for shared space, and respect for the basic understanding that walkways are meant for walking, not forming social circles. Until something changes, the rest of us will continue to dodge, weave and aggressively power-walk our way to class while silently wondering why basic walking etiquette seems to disappear the moment people step onto campus paths.
Change is due around here, and it starts with implementing this lane. I know I am not the only one here who thinks this is a pressing issue, but I am the only one bold enough to partition it. So Eastern has a choice. It can continue ignoring the slow-walker crisis, or it can step up and implement a solution that will improve the daily lives of countless students. The proposal is ready. The people are frustrated. And the paths are waiting. The only thing left to do is finally create the slow lane and restore order to campus walking once and for all. If the university truly values our students’ thoughts and concerns, this slow lane would be prioritized, right behind increasing tuition every year for some made-up reason.
