Dear Miss Information,
I’m a commuter student here at Eastern, and I literally can’t afford gas anymore. I’m worried that I’ll have to pick up another part-time job just to be able to fill my tank and make it to campus. I don’t mind working, but I’m swamped with school tasks already, and I don’t know how I can spend one more waking moment being productive without dropping balls left and right. Do you have any advice for me in this situation, or are there any resources I could seek out to help me? I’m so worried about my future as a student here. I love school, and I don’t want to go virtual. Thank you in advance,
Running on Fumes
Dear Running on Fumes,
I’m so glad you reached out to me for help with this! As you may know, one of my many degrees from Eastern just so happens to be in biochemistry. That means I’m a perfect fit to advise you in this situation, because I am literally a professional in all things bio and chemistry, obviously!
First, you’ll have to get rid of whatever car you have now. Try to pull off an even swap for an electric vehicle. Facebook Marketplace will be your best friend in this situation. Besides, who’s even driving a regular old gas-powered car now? What is this, 1920? This will be a life upgrade for you anyway. Anyway, then, we’re going to blast to the past, aka middle school, and pull the old potato-battery trick on this bad boy! Do you know how cheap potatoes are? They’re way cheaper than gas! All you’ll really have to do is stick a cord or two into each potato, connect them to some power banks from Five Below and whatever opening you can find in your car, and voilà!! It’s like free power! Plus, you’ll never get a speeding ticket, because you’ll probably never make it up over 25 mph!
I promise this idea is 100% foolproof, especially in rainy weather. It’s entirely safe and a wonderful college life hack. However, before attempting, you will need to sign a form from my agent claiming ownership of all potential outcomes. Keep an eye out for an email from 1Hav3aR3alAg3nt@eastern.edu. Happy zappin’!
Sincerely, Miss Information
