Dear Miss Information,
This is an URGENT request! Eastern has notified me that I will be unable to attend any further classes due to my continuously failing grades. They said I’m “not meeting academic progress expectations.” I have been here for two years, and I haven’t passed a class yet, but who cares? Like, why is it any of their business if I pass my classes or not? I pay to be here! Let me live my life!
Please help; I don’t want to leave! I get treated like a little kid at home, and I can’t afford to just move out. How can I stay on campus at this point?
Sincerely, Going Nowhere Fast
Dear Going Nowhere Fast,
I’m so glad you reached out to me with this issue, because I’ve been in the same boat! I’m here to reassure you that you have nothing to worry about.
You know that 24-hour study room under the stairs? It’s free to rent. It’s rentable all day and night. Connect the dots…and welcome to your new dorm room. Just rent it for every available time slot, and you’ll never have to leave campus!
Who is going to stop a hardworking student who wants to rent a study room to accomplish their goals? No one! Plus, most professors don’t mind if outsiders sit in on some classes, so you can take whatever classes you want without commitment! Really, I pat myself on the back for thinking up the idea during my time as a student.
As far as earning credits for classes goes… you’re not doing that right now anyway, so it really won’t be much different for you. Grades and getting degrees are basically a social construct anyway. When you look at two skeletons, can you tell which one has a degree and which one doesn’t? No. So don’t worry about that.
So live that troll dream under those stairs! Curl up with a book in that whisper box thing that the communications students use! This is your life. Don’t let anything as silly as academic satisfaction ruin it for you!
Sincerely, Miss Information
