Note to the reader: It is believed that the writer of this article had ceased taking his Adderall during the process of writing. However, it has been left largely unedited out of respect for his work.
Pills are an integral part of modern life. Americans are all mentally debilitated and can only survive by tossing back those sweet, sweet drugs. Luckily, this has no long-term consequences whatsoever! Yet there is a problem (yes, just one) with this: pills are hard to swallow. So I have decided to spend my incredibly valuable time painstakingly documenting and ranking various pills so you know exactly what to ask your doctor for. From easiest to hardest to swallow:
Taking a deserved first place in the ease-of-swallowing ranking are brownies. What better way to deliver beneficial drugs than via brownies? You feed your mind and your body at the same time! What a sbhdjivjhdjkcvjnkfnmlvkml
The writer of this article was arrested shortly after writing these paragraphs. The rest of this article was composed while on parole.
Joining brownies in the S tier of pills are dissolve-in-the-mouth pills. These are the ultimate American (American: noun, synonym(s): lazy) pill: no chewing, barely any swallowing, no arduous trek to grab a glass of water, just uncap the bottle and chuck ‘em down the gullet. I wish every pill could be as convenient and effort-free as these. Liquid medications would probably have ranked above dissolvers, but drinks don’t really count as pills… unfortunately. Is anyone else mad that it is societally unacceptable for adults to drink cherry-flavored medication? Why do children get tastier meds than us? It’s messed up.
Chewable pills are literally just candy. I am 99% sure that chewable pills are manufactured in the same place as Sweetheart candies, lending credence to my theory that Sweethearts contain a love potion; why else would anyone give such an aesthetically offensive treat to their significant other? That makes me wonder– maybe chewable pills would make a good Valentine’s day gift? Maybe I’ll finally score a date!
Lozenges are, again, basically candy with health benefits. Not much more to say really, except that they take longer to dissolve in the mouth and so get docked a few points.
Softgels are a perfectly middle-of-the-road pill. Not too difficult to swallow, not too easy. It is nice that softgels are relatively tasteless, unlike some pills lower down on this list.
Ah yes, the good-ol’ traditional standard tablet. But, as a true American, I spit in the face of the ol’ and the traditional. Have you ever accidentally dropped a tablet in water and then drunk it? Because I did that last week and it was DISGUSTING. The problem with tablets is that you have to consume them fast, otherwise they start dissolving and their awful flavor comes out. And what’s the point of taking medicine that tastes bad? As everyone knows, the only good drugs are tasty drugs.
Some pills come as a powder, which may make you think that they are easy to swallow. However, they have the same problem as tablets, only worse. They taste bad and, unlike tablets, there is no way to avoid tasting them by swallowing them down fast. The powder can easily get caked inside of your mouth, so you’re just tasting gross drug dust for the next few hours.
Capsules are the purest form of a hard pill to swallow. There’s nothing fancy about it; they’re just big, hunky, and hard to fit into the esophagus. They should be banned by the FDA as a choking hazard. We at Eastern are all about advocacy, right? I’ve finally found a cause worth fighting for. Who’s with me?!
Laundry pods have to be one of the most inefficient medicine delivery systems I’ve ever discovered, and that’s saying something. First off, they fill your body with microplastics because of all the plastic they’re made of. Secondly, they’re just really, really hard to eat! Now I have a tummy ache.
Last and certainly least, we have dishwasher pods. They have all the same problems as laundry pods, but so much worse. The solid, grainy layer is just so hard to choke down. These are truly the F tier pills.
And there you have it: my definitive ranking of easiest to hardest pills to swallow! I hope you have a wonderful day, and please, remember to like, subscribe, make a comment, all those things. This bhfjikdls,mndfvjbk bmv cfndshklsd,cmvdlk,..,mnh
The writer of this article has tragically died of a sudden, inexplicable heart attack.
