The Waltonian

Education Inequality in Philadelphia

This semester, I drive into inner-city Philadelphia five days a week to student-teach at an urban school. This is the final requirement that I must complete in order to graduate in May with a degree in music education, and the experience has been difficult, eye-opening and immensely valuable. It has also brought to light many issues that I believe that Eastern University ought to grapple with as a community.

Upon deciding to be a student teacher in an urban school, several people questioned my decision. I was told that I would not learn very much. One person told me that it would be a waste of my time, talents and passions. As this individual put it, students at schools in wealthy, suburban areas deserve more quality education than those in urban areas.

There is often a negative stigma surrounding urban education, even from within the system itself. Some believe that educators work in the city because they are not good enough to work in better schools or because they do not care and simply want a paycheck. I do not deny that this happens sometimes, but I do affirm that the opposite of this is also true. Some of the teachers that I have worked with are among the most honorable, hardworking people I have ever met. I have heard people say that good teachers should stay in wealthy, suburban schools. I disagree. To bring about change and foster justice in our society, it is crucial that good educators work in urban schools.

The wealthy will still be able to succeed without excellent teachers, but without quality education, the poor and the marginalized will remain socially and economically disadvantaged. While Eastern boasts about its commitment to social justice, I am in the minority by choosing to student teach in the Philadelphia school district this semester. I do not say this to boast, but to point out a great flaw and a dire need.

Many share the opinion that schools in Philadelphia have received all the help they can get. Rather than trying to fix things and continuing to throw money at problems, walls should be built around the city and those inside should be left to figure things out for themselves. Sure, money has been spent on the wrong things. Educators have failed. Students can be unmotivated and disruptive. But why should that change the need to fix what is broken? It is not beyond repair. Why is it acceptable that children born into disadvantaged environments do not have access to the same resources that children born into advantaged environments have? Why is it acceptable that students at a school in Radnor Township have great academic success when 14 miles away, at a school in Philadelphia, only three out of every ten students can read at their grade level or above? If you care about justice, this should be a cause of deep concern to you.

I teach in a school mostly comprised of minority students and, thus, I have learned a great deal about a culture very different from my own. Some people are uncomfortable and even disagreeable about bringing up race in reference to urban schools. Many people deny that systemic racism still exists in the United States. I am willing to bet that most people who deny the existence of this prejudice and flawed ideology do not have much exposure to minority cultures.

Two blocks away from my school is a large neighborhood of predominantly white families who own large mansions. Many of these families include school-aged children, yet they primarily attend private schools. Because few students from the area attend my school, students from poorer communities are bused in. We have about 400 minority students from poor backgrounds attending a public school in a predominantly wealthy, white neighborhood. I should add that the school does not receive the benefits of the nearby wealth. There is a problem here, and racial injustice is a great part of it. Consider that the ancestors of my students were harshly oppressed for several hundred years, and consider that this has never really been repaid or dignified.

To be quite frank, teaching in an urban environment is extremely challenging. I have never felt weaker than while student-teaching this semester. I love to teach, but on a good day, I only spend about ten minutes of each 45 minute period teaching. The rest is spent managing behavior. Students are often disruptive and talk constantly. They can be moody. There are several students in every class with extreme behavioral problems. Some students are very disrespectful, and many students do not take responsibility for their actions. Some afternoons I want to come home and cry. Many days I wake up not wanting to return. I have broken up four fights between elementary school students tearing each other apart.

Some students are physically and sexually abused. They carry scars, both visible and invisible. Some students are hungry. Some live in shelters. Some are emotionally unstable. I cannot fix every student. But every once in a while, I have success. Every once in a while, I see a student’s face light up at the joy of making music, of learning something new, of discovering something that they did not know existed. I often fail, and I sometimes succeed.

But the small bit of success compensates for the large amount of failure. It reminds me that in the midst of dysfunction, there is a loving God. As exhausting and emotionally draining as this job is, it allows me to hope and work for a better tomorrow for the students I teach.

The Eastern Beet

ST. DAVID’S, PA — Residents of Doane Hall announced their plan to secede from the rest of the St. David’s campus on March 13, citing “differences in behavior and etiquette” as their reasoning. Those for this action of separation cite “untrue stigma” as their reason. Ever since Doane’s addition to the St. David’s campus on the Eighth Day, Eastern University students have known it to be a place of mystery, weirdness and abominations of human life.

Casey McGinty, a junior in Gallup Hall, states, “I see them go in and I see them go out. That’s all I need to see to know that nobody should ever go in there.”

While some students are very wary of Doane’s haunting presence on the St. David’s campus, others are more adventurous. “I was brave one day and decided to take a tour of the building. I was enjoying my explorations until I started hearing voices!” reported Sparrowk resident Jessica Figueroa. It was later revealed that the voices were real, a result of the thin walls found throughout Doane Hall.

Other students commented on the social behaviors and activities of Doane residents. “It’s like they stay there because they have nowhere else to go,” stated Joanna Schlatter, a resident of Hainer Hall. Students of Doane Hall typically do not go elsewhere because of the “Middle-Earth-like journey” that must be taken in order to get to other residence halls. Students also noted that Doane residents are “socially removed in a middle-school-youth-group-kind-of-way.”

Many Doane residents have different views about their residence hall of choice. “Doane is great,” said Corbin Ferguson as two residents fought with magic wands and Poké Balls in the background. “There are a lot of fun people living here, and you get to see all sorts of wildlife – not just the bats, squirrels and rats that hide under your bed and scurry around in the ceiling – some of the residents tend to be quite primitive.”

Doane intends to secede from the University and create its own institution for higher, more awkward, quasi-academic learning and board gaming. The new institution will include a rooftop organic garden, a real haunted house and ample space for Hide and Seek. While most residents are happy about the big change, some are less optimistic. Several residents intend to escape the clutches of the residence hall before they are stuck forever, including some first-year students who were randomly placed there. “Get me out of here,” they pray quietly every night, as to not disrupt the intense game of Settlers of Catan happening on the other side of their room.

When questioned about the desire to secede from the rest of the university, an anonymous president stated, “Good riddance!”

“I am particularly delighted to see this great change happening in the lives of my bountiful residents. Cheers to new generations of awkward behaviors,” said Doane Hall, in a voice resembling that of Gandalf the Grey. Wait a minute, the building can speak?

ST. DAVIDS, PA — The mandatory annual change in theological trends within the Templeton Honors College is moving once more. As of Jan. 18, a surprising number of THC students and professors have been registering as first-time guests at local non-denominational, charismatic megachurches, a feat worthy of a friendly welcome e-mail from a pastor and a $5 Wawa gift card in the mail.

This new trend follows the 2014 trend of Eastern Orthodoxy, which followed the 2013 trend of Roman Catholicism, which followed the 2012 trend of Anglicanism. Other previous trends include, but are not limited to: the Presbyterian Church of the United States of America, the Presbyterian Church of America, the Presbyterian Church of the United States’ Territories and Minor Outlying Islands, and the Southern Baptist Church.

Although the new trend is widespread, individual students have different motives for making the change to a simpler theological scope. According to THC senior Kylie Roberts, “I just wanted a new environment with edgy music, fog machines, and a hipster coffee shop with a coffee-themed name.” Junior Daniel LaVenture, when asked about his transition from Anglicanism, reported with a wink and a grin, “I literally just stayed there for the wine.” LaVenture, along with many other Templeton Honors College students, now enjoys Welch’s Grape Juice instead every Sunday and first Wednesday.

“I love being in an environment where everyone shares the same beliefs as me, and critical thinking and scholarship are discouraged. It’s so refreshing. Plus, the pastors say the word God at least five times per sentence in their prayers,” commented Jake Nielsen, who recently made the change from Eastern Orthodoxy. “We are still Mennonites,” reported juniors Morgan Hess and Andrew Kauffman, in unison.

The new theological trend not only affects changes in denominational affiliation, but also those in social and political aspects of life. Abbie Storch commented on some of these changes, saying in a southern, submissive accent, “I used to be a feminist, but things have changed. I’ve really heard God’s voice in my life, especially while listening to the awesome worship band at church, and I think He wants me to marry a courageous, gun-wielding man who can be a leader for my future babies and I.” Traditional CAS students predict that the 2016 THC theological trend will be either the Unitarian Universalist Association of Congregations or the Christian Church Against Harry Potter.

1. Follow your potential Valentine around. Learn their schedule, phone number, health insurance policy number and EU password. Potential Valentines love this! When you try to connect with another person by learning small, private things about their life, they will be flattered for sure. Medical history is a plus!

2. Read verses from Song of Songs to your potential Valentine in a suggestive tone. When your potential Valentine asks why you have chosen Song of Songs, explain that it is simply that time in your 365-day plan of reading through the Bible for the fifth time. Finish your provocative reading with a recitation of 1 Cor. 13:4-13. Then, wink.

3. Talk about your hygiene. Potential Valentines love to hear about how you sweat like a pig and only shower every other day. Be sure to talk about the fact that you do not floss, even though your dentist always compliments you on doing so. Give your potential Valentine the recipe for your homemade deodorant made out of coconut oil, baking soda, bison intestine extract, and various essential oils.

4. Tell your potential Valentine that you have slipped some love potion into their morning pumpkin juice. Wait for the placebo effect to take place. (Disclaimers: 1) This only works at Hogwarts; 2) Students are advised not to actually slip love potion into the beverages of other students.)

5. Find God’s match for you through Christian Mingle. With plenty of equally, unequally, and differently yoked followers of Christ all over the world, you are guaranteed to find someone. If no one catches your interest, try checking out the “Holy/pure/single but looking” classifieds on www.christslist.com.

6. Demonstrate your loudest burp during a class with your potential Valentine. Potential Valentines love when their suitors are able to demonstrate loud eruptions of bodily gas coming through the place where you are supposed to kiss them. Make sure the burp is loud and resonant. The wetter, the better.

7. Make a voodoo doll representing your potential Valentine. Show it to them and allow them to admire your hard work. Play with it in front of your potential Valentine. Try poking it with a needle and watch your potential Valentine squirm in horrible pain and agony. Be sure to smile affectionately.

8. Say things like non-denominational, football, I only believe in the Bible, Let’s get our worship on, New Revised Street Language Living Translation, nation founded on Christian beliefs and I think God is telling me that I should break up with my current partner and begin dating you. Potential Valentines love obnoxious phrases like these. For extra Valentine points, offer to pray before your first date.

9. Tell your potential Valentine that you are their Prince/Princess Charming, the one that they have been reading about in their fundamentalist devotional book and the one that God has been saving especially for them. This will knock your potential Valentine off of their feet. Bonus: If you are a male, offer to be the leader in your relationship.

10. Ask Bettie Ann to send an e-mail to the entire EU community advertising your availability on Feb. 14 from 1 p.m. to 1 a.m. Rather than going on a real date with your potential Valentine, tell them that you would prefer to sit in your room together and watch a movie.

Tony Campolo Bust Spotted at S.A.B. Sky Zone Event

OAKS, PA — A recent incident at the S.A.B. Sky Zone Event proves that even Eastern alumni need a break from classes every once in a while. On the evening of Friday, Jan. 16, the marble bust of Tony Campolo, typically located in the entrance of the Eagle Learning Center, was spotted bouncing.

The bust in question was reportedly noticed at 11:37 p.m. after several male athletes, without realizing it, played with the bust for fifteen minutes, thinking that it was simply a heavy, stone basketball. “Who is Tony Campolo?” reported senior Greg Sobocinski, an eye-witness at the scene. Other students claimed to have spotted the bust earlier in the night. Gerry Stockmann stated, “I thought I saw it, but I could be wrong. I must have been bouncing seven feet high when it I spotted it.”

Vivian Lawrence was snacking on an Insomnia cookie in between bounces when he was hit in the backside with the missing bust. “It just bounced right through the air and hit me in the cattywhompus,” says Lawrence, who was concerned that the injury might diminish his musical genius abilities. No effects of the direct hit have been observed.

The bust was unable to be located at the end of the night, but Eastern bouncer Casey McGinty suspects that it “may have ended up in the foam pit, where it belongs.” Jason Jensen, another student in attendance, agreed, even going so far as to blame it for the big bruise that formed on his bald head after jumping in headfirst.

When asked, an S.A.B. official reported, “The bust’s safety is our primary concern. If the bust wishes to attend future Sky Zone events, it must wear appropriate padding.” A new line of fashionable bust padding is set to launch in April 2015, available exclusively at the campus bookstore. With every purchase of padding, customers will receive a bonus fragrance, T by Tony Campolo, as well as a cake purchased by the man himself.

1. Winter Break being wasted away. Now that the anticipated week of finals is nigh, it is time to begin thinking about the activities you will partake in during your long awaited vacation. You will spend the first week watching “The Office,” the second week watching Christmas movies (except for Kirk Cameron’s “Saving Materialism Christmas,” of course), the third week watching the multi-day marathon of “The Walking Dead,” and the final week being bored out of your mind and upset that you have allowed your entire vacation to go to waste, despite the fact that you still have several days left of it (during which you will revert back to doing another mindless activity). Too often we mistake this break as a time for laziness and the consumption of brain twinkies. Now, Winter Break should be a time of refreshment and relaxation after a challenging semester. However, it is much more than that. Now that you have four weeks without the pressures of academia, you have time to renew your mind. Pick up a few books that you find interesting at the library before you leave (just not Flannery O’Connor’s short stories, because I want those). Visit local historical sites. Spend some time volunteering and help those who may not find the holiday season a particularly joyful one. Wake ^ the World. By the time you get wrapped up with schoolwork in the middle of the spring semester, you will be grateful that you had this refreshing time. And don’t worry – by that point, Kirk Cameron will be back trying to save Easter.

2. Complaints about final exams, projects, papers etc. Finals week can sometimes be a bit of a shock to students. ‘Wow! Final exams just came out of nowhere!’ Well, no, not really. You should have been expecting your final for about fourteen weeks now. ‘But, I don’t understand; I’m expected to write a twelve page research paper and turn it in three days from now?’ Yes. It’s been in your syllabus and you should have been preparing for it. ‘I’ve been so busy over the past few weeks that I’ve completely forgotten about my remaining academic obligations’ says the student who has spent the past few weeks browsing Netflix and Waking ^ The World instead of preparing for the end of the semester. They’ll never learn.

3. Purchasing textbooks for next semester and not enjoying it. About halfway through Winter Break (in the transition from Christmas movies to “The Walking Dead,” as stated above), you will make the foolish mistake of purchasing your textbooks when all other students are doing so. The procrastination in doing so is not surprising. What appalls me is that some students do not enjoy it. There you will sit, with the amazing opportunity to spend your year’s savings on textbooks that you will gently skim once or twice throughout the next semester. Maybe in order to appreciate this experience, you must think about it in a different light. You are not purchasing a collection of potential knowledge. You are purchasing an expensive backpack weight that you will bring to various classes in order to give the impression of learning, understanding, and academic dedication. If you cannot be excited about the idea of these wasted resources, then you can at least be motivated by the back problems that these textbooks will cause you later in life.

4. Leaving campus but forgetting to say goodbye to your friends/readers. Thank you all for your attention. I am excited to publicly complain about more things in the coming semester. You are next.

1. Changing weather patterns without my consent. You wake up in your warm bed to your alarm saying, in an all-too-much-like-Willy-Wonka voice, “Good morning, sunshine! The earth says ‘hello’!” As you begin to scramble around getting ready for the day, you look outside to get a visual picture of the weather. ‘It looks fairly reasonable,’ you think to yourself foolishly. As soon as you step outside of your respective building, you regret your ignorance. Alas, the weather has changed without your permission. “Why does it have to be so cold today?” you cry out to God as you blame Him for not taking your preferences into divine consideration. As if to petition God and His foolish ways upon the earth (heresy?), you leave without putting on a coat. “There, God! Now I’m literally going to freeze to death outside.” No, no you are not. You are figuratively going to freeze to death outside. Get it right, millennials and social media users, get it right.

2. Having several specific courses available but not other specific courses. Class registration is an exciting time in which your wildest educational fantasies seem to come true for just a short window of time (and what a short window it is). Days before your window of limited opportunity opens, you imagine the results of your successful registration in a variety of courses. You can choose courses that address very specific topics. However, this poses a serious problem. Although we have access to great courses with specific content areas, this specificity keeps us from accessing other specific courses. How am I supposed to Wake ^ the World when I can take “Latin America’s Unbridled Reality”, but not “America’s Unbridled Latin Reality?” Prospective educators have the option of taking “Science and Health for Children”, yet prospective mad scientists and cannibals do not have the option of taking “Children for Health and Science”. We have “Post-Colonial Women’s Novels”, but how do they expect me to I learn about Post-Women Colonial Novels?

3. The minimal level of variety in the Dining Commons. No, not the people – the food, you silly goose. Do you ever find yourself wishing that you had a bigger selection of food to choose from at breakfast, lunch and dinner? “Excuse me, do you serve Jackfruit?” “No, I apologize, Jackfruit is unavailable.” “What do you mean it is unavailable? Jackfruit obviously grows in India, therefore it obviously grows on Planet Earth, therefore you should obviously serve it in mass quantities! Do you even have brains?” How inconsiderate of them that they value the necessities of a larger population more than the desires of an individual. When you want steak for breakfast, you cannot have it. When you want steak at any meal, really, you cannot have it. You walk up to the Deli line: “Yes, may I please have Apple cider and rum?” “Uh, no, you cannot.” “Why not?” “Because alcohol is prohibited on campus.” “I DON’T CARE WHETHER OR NOT ALCOHOL IS PROHIBITED ON CAMPUS! I’M PAYING JUST A FEW THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR FOR NEARLY UNLIMITED FOOD! GIVE ME EVERYTHING I WANT!”

1. Not enough community. You are sitting quietly in your room, diligently and enthusiastically attempting a paper, thinking ‘Gee whiz, I really wish somebody would come and bang on my door and invite me to go play video games for the rest of my evening.’ Naturally, you should give up all of your academic obligations whenever the first distraction on your community-based hallway comes opening your door without permission. Don’t you just wish that one of your neighbors would follow you around constantly – in your room as you try to sleep, at dinner as you try to eat peacefully, in the bathroom as you try to, well, you know – telling you about their latest theological epiphany? I just wish that I could fall asleep to the sound of my neighbor rocking out on his electric guitar at 2 a.m. Darn, I need more community on my hall.

2. Fire drills at 6 a.m. You are dreaming peacefully in your sleep (or having nightmares, depending on whether or not you watched Sunday’s episode of “The Walking Dead”) and all of a sudden the sound of a calm bay breeze (or the gut-wrenching sound of a walker chewing through human flesh) becomes a terrifying, annoying shriek. Your eyes flit open and you see the white-flashing lights and you know all too well what is happening. Your building’s fire alarms are inconveniently ringing at 6 a.m. and have Woken ^ The World! If only they could have gone off at 5:30 a.m. instead! How inconsiderate of the potential fire hazards to create this interruption so late in the morning! Seriously, had they gone off earlier, you would have had so much less time lying in agony due to chronic sleep disorder. You could have joyfully waited outside in the freezing rain while waiting for security to inspect the building, locate the problem and turn the alarms off.

3. Satirical Waltonian writers who complain about things that get their goat and the readers who do not understand that they are satirical. Seriously, can this guy get a life? I don’t even think he is all that funny. All he does is complain about things that do not make much sense. I do not even know what half of the things he writes about are. I mean, how are house elves and socks even related? He probably thinks that he is very funny, but I do not think he actually is – kind of like Seth Meyers.

4. Humble “advanced placement” students. You see him in the dining commons. She lives on your hallway. You pass them as you walk to class (well, not really, because your classes are not on that side of campus). They are the “advanced placement” students of Eastern University. Their humility is overwhelming. You overhear their conversations in the library, “Oh, I just finished reading Augustine’s De Civitate Idiotae in the original vernacular.” “Oh, well I just memorized Book 3 of Plato’s Republic.” “We should not speak so loudly in the library – we do not want to disturb the Arts and Sciences kids while they do their homework.” They laugh loudly together, repeating the word “mirth” over and over again.

The Halloween Harry Potter edition

1. Arrogant first year students walking around like they own the castle. You are sitting in the Great Hall having your morning pumpkin juice when a group of frankie first years comes walking in boldly, laughing and doing foolish wand-waving and silly incantations. They scream to each other across the hall, talking about their most recent late-night, managed mischief (like the “special” books they found in the Restricted Section), while you diligently attempt your impossible Herbology assignment. Then, at the end of a long day, as you are ready to curl up in front of a toasty fire, you find that those sons-of-witches have taken over your favorite common room. Who do they think they are, the Chosen Ones?

2. Turning to page 394.

3. The Great Hall does not offer the vast variety of food you desire. Sure, the desserts are good. You can never have too many pumpkin pasties, treacle tarts or chocolate gateau. But what about real food? Nothing says “Puking Pastille” like biting into a piece of raw troll bogey. Can’t the house elves in the kitchen conjure up something that we actually want to eat? If you are going to cook food for Hogwarts students, you might as well make it good food. After all, socks don’t grow on trees.

4. Headmaster Duffettdore invites you to his office. This can’t be good.

5. Your roommate is a werewolf. You wake up in the middle of the night to find him sitting in front of the window, staring ominously at the moon. Perhaps he has had too much butterbeer. Perhaps he is petrified. No, he is just a werewolf. Nevermind the scratches on the walls that you will inevitably be fined for at the end of the year. Nevermind him constantly muttering “I forgot to take my potion.” What bothers you is the hair. Every hair, everywhere. Your professors tell you that you need to clean up after your cat. What they don’t know is that your roommate sheds all over the place. Either he needs to find a cure or a bottle of industrial strength Nair.

6. S.P.E.W. trying to recruit everybody in the name of social justice. I am all for the freedom of house elves. But, when the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare walks around school grounds with recycled signs and a multitude of hats, socks and sandwiches for the house elves of Philadelphia, I get a little annoyed. I have basic creature needs too. I need adventure. I need a vault full of shiny galleons and the most recent Firebolt model. Why should I care about the oppressed when I cannot have everything I want? My father will hear about this!

1. Bathroom etiquette. There are many things that you cannot learn about college life from a student handbook. Bathroom etiquette is one of them, especially community bathroom etiquette. For example, what exactly is the appropriate rule for toilet flushing? Do you only flush once to “wake ^ the world” about the conservation of freshwater? Or do you flush multiple times, depending on the job you’ve done and the people who have to breathe the same air around you? When choosing a place to shower, is it okay to choose the stall next to an active shower-occupant because it is clean? Or, should you choose the farthest stall from that person, even if it means using the moldy curtain? In the unfortunate circumstance that you accidentally see someone naked, do you apologize? Does the other person apologize? Do you both pretend that it never happened? You could, but consider the fact that there will be an awkward presence hovering in the air during all of your future conversations and interactions. Here’s an idea: wink and say nothing.

2. When someone takes your seat in class. You walk into your over-occupied class, greet the first familiar person you see, quietly mutter to yourself (but loudly enough so that everyone in the class can hear you) because you forgot to do the assigned reading, and then realize that someone is sitting on your precious butt-shelf. All of a sudden, your life plummets into turmoil and your equilibrium is thrown off indefinitely. As you begin to develop a vendetta against your traitor of a classmate, you consider the possibilities for the new placement of your bum. You could sit in the front row, but the air conditioner will keep you shivering and your professor spits when he lectures. You could sit in the back row, but you are not an athlete. If you sit on the left side of the classroom, you will be under the flickering light. If you sit on the right side, you risk being seen sitting next to “that” person. Ultimately, you’ll choose the middle of the classroom, where your professor can target you for EVERY. FREAKING. QUESTION.

3. “These are the best four years of your life”. Well, maybe, if the only other four years of your life are the ones in which you spent going through puberty. Yes, college life can be a blast. But, is it still a blast when you are awake at 2 AM, hopelessly trying to finish a paper? Perhaps sitting in the Jammin’ Java, sipping a Mocha Java Blast and reading this column is a great way to spend time, but will it really compare to the experiences of your future? Valuing your time as a college student is important, but worshipping it is not. If you think about it, you’ll find that you have plenty of years to experience greater things after college (unless you also think about the number of chocolate chip cookies you consume on a daily basis, in which case you only have a slightly decent number of years at best).