Waltonian Guide to Making it Big on Campus as a First-year student

The moment has finally arrived! You have made it to Eastern and are now wondering how to get recognized on our campus. Do not worry; I am here to help you! Here is how to make it big as a first-year student.

Get your name out there. I would suggest posting name tags that state your full moniker around campus, writing your name in sidewalk chalk all over the paths and shouting your epithet (for instance, mine would be “the Awesome” as in “Lauren the Awesome”) as you run full speed across Eastern and through Wayne. Have no fear; this is a special exception to what would ordinarily be considered disorderly conduct by the local police.

Make friends with upperclassmen. Get them to like you by running ahead of them to open doors, sweeping the paths before they walk on them, and offering to escort them to their classes, the dining commons and their residence halls. Trust me: if you do these things, the upperclassmen will definitely want to have you as a friend.

Make sure you stay noticed. Break dance in the dining commons (and I will break with you); block the bridges, claim them as your territory and require code words to pass (unless a student makes friends with the trolls under the bridges, in which case they can cross them for free); and go scuba diving in Walton Pond in search of the buried treasure students have been trying to find for years, where it is believed that Charles Walton originally hid it. If you are successful in your mission, everyone will be talking about you (and trying to become your friend) for the next four years.

In case you have not yet been able to tell, I am totally kidding. These strategies will not help you make it big at Eastern; they will only make you annoying and obnoxious. It is far more important to work hard, try something new every single day and be a friend to everyone you meet. That is how you begin to make your mark here. Now it is your turn to contribute to Eastern’s legacy. But do not worry; we are confident that you can achieve all that God has called you to do here. We are rooting for you!