Dear beloved readers and writers of the Waltonian,
It has come to my attention that my time as a valuable and magnificent portion of this newspaper must come to an end. I can no longer take the constant flow of comments and criticisms I receive as I roam campus. I’ve heard it all: Miss Information, you’re not funny. Miss Information, your ideas aren’t original. Miss Information, your waist is too small and your hips are too voluptuous. Your words are too poetic and your advice is too wise. Oh no, my steak is too juicy and my lobster is too buttery.
I understand that I am no longer welcome in this section, nor in this publication as a whole. I suppose I am ahead of my time, born in the wrong era, so on and so forth.
I will miss you all, and I hope you long for me with excruciating desperation once I am gone, but don’t bother searching for me. I don’t want a single “U up?” text at 2 a.m., I don’t want you to think of me when your favorite song (if you know, you know) plays and I don’t care if you say you are a shell since I’ve been gone!
I’m moving on to better things and going somewhere I am appreciated appropriately.
I’ve looked into publications on other campuses, but nothing has felt the same as what we had. I never wanted better, I just wanted you, Waltonian readers. I only EVER wanted you.
Before I take my final bow here, I have one thing left to say: April Fool’s Day, suckers. You, gullible readers, are NEVER getting rid of me. I’ll see you in Issue 8. (Editor in chief, please insert Elphaba’s iconic riff right here. Thank you).
Sincerely, yours truly, with so much love,
Miss Information
