Times have been hard lately, and many of our favorite organizations have not been spared. In a shocking turn of events, the Eastern University marching band has announced they are selling their drums, trumpets and cool hats due to budget cuts. While this is certainly tragic news, the marching band will not be disbanded. Instead, they will become an all-kazoo orchestra.
This has obviously been a rather controversial change, so I interviewed some prominent members of the band. One anonymous musician was not amused: “The kazoo is a comedy instrument! It just sounds ridiculous. We’re going to be the laughingstock of Eastern’s fine musical community.” On the other hand, Dru Mhater said, “This is a very exciting change! I’m so bored of clanging those cymbals. The kazoo has a much wider range of emotional expression.”
Professor Chuck, band director, said, “Just between the two of us, the kazoo is a travesty against mankind. Obviously, don’t put this in your article, but I’m so angry about this. But let me think… what should I actually say… We in the band are excited for this revolutionary change; we are perhaps the first full kazoo orchestra in a university of our size… because it’s such a stupid idea.” He then abruptly ended our interview to scream at the sky.
Steven Ford, assistant dean of the Division of Fine and Performing Arts, spoke to me after comforting his colleague: “The kazoo is perhaps the most underrated musical instrument. Its humble profile hides such musical richness and depth. This new and improved marching band will make a fine addition to Eastern University’s music program.”
The band’s first kazoo concert will occur on April 1, 2026, and will be performing classics such as “Hot Cross Buns” and “Pepperoni Pizza.” Expert musician Ben Bill expressed some concerns about this: “The kazoo is a very ancient and complicated instrument. It can take years and years to even play the simplest of melodies. Having the concert so soon is a recipe for disaster.”
The band did perform at a recent Eastern football game, performing a heartfelt rendition of the “Star-Spangled Banner,” causing many members of the audience to burst into tears of joy. The comedian who was supposed to perform at half-time fled in sadness, muttering something about how his career was nothing after what he had just witnessed. Chuck was reduced to a quivering mess of emotions. When I requested a quote, he responded, “Dear God, not a single person was in tune… Oh, sorry *sob* I can’t talk to you right now… Something must be done about this…” He then wandered off. One student, struggling to get the words out, said “Man, I’ve never felt so patriotic in my entire life!”
BREAKING NEWS:
The band’s concert has been postponed to February 29, 2027, after someone burned the band’s entire stock of kazoos. “We are greatly saddened by this act of anti-kazoo terrorism,” said President Ron Matthews in a statement to the press. “As a Christ-centered community, we disapprove of such intolerant actions. We are not cowed by this violence, and will continue to push our money-saving… I mean, pro-kazoo policies. In completely unrelated news, Professor Chuck has been fired, and we have created a search committee for a new band leader.”
