The following excerpts are from the secret undergound files of Doctor Gerry Stearson, from “the Institution That Sometimes Notices Outrageous Troubling Realities Everyone Always Looks Past.”
Case File: Patient 74b [Maier, Jared]
1/12/16 – Patient 74b walked into my office today for the first time. First thing 74b did was sit on the bed and ask me why I put paper over it. After answering 74b’s question he told me of his symptoms: low productivity and tense joints. In addition to this 74b said “I’m tired” 13 times, very similar to subjects 1a-73c. 74b had exhaustion. I recommended more caffeine. 74b said he didn’t drink coffee, and then he left.
1/21/16 – Patient 74b walked into my office, claiming he was feeling “worse.” Further examination proved this, as 74b’s symptoms had worsened: “nodding off more” in class, back hurt due to the weight of pack and yawning profusely. I prescribed more caffeine and gave 74b two Insomnia Cookies. I did not catch the last thing 74b said when he left, because he yawned.
2/3/16 – Patient 74b stumbled into my office. 74b slowly made his way onto the bed. 74b’s symptoms were far worse: glazed eyes, perpetual yawning, and clothes unkempt. During the examination he fell asleep on the bed. I mixed him a drink of coffee, and gave it to him to drink. After eight hours of repeating the phrases “it’s good for you” and “try it, you’ll like it” 74b finally took a sip. After another hour, 74b was finished, and he ran out of my office, as my nurse described, “like something out of the Looney Tunes.”
2/17/16 – Patient 74b opened the door to my office, mumbled something and then fell face down on my floor. My nurse helped me carry 74b to the sick bay. After 30 minutes, 74b opened his eyes and said, “So this is where you’ve been hiding the comfy beds.” Further examination of 74b revealed that his previous symptoms had not changed, and he had more: groaning when awake, rubbing eyes, scratching head, and constantly rambling about his “four three-page papers” and “several midterms.” I gave him another dose of concentrated caffeine, and he got out of the bed and left. “Good luck,” my nurse told 74b.
2/26/16 – I made a house call. I’ve never made a house call before in my life, except for all those house calls I made for patients 1a-73c. This house call was for patient 74b. When I arrived at his place, I knocked on the door. I think 74b responded with, “Goose?” I opened the door and walked into his room. I should have looked where I was going, because I stepped on 74b’s binders, 74b’s books, and 74b. He said, “Ouch.” His earlier symptoms had gotten far worse: physically incapable of standing, drooling over floor, and muttering the words “grinds my gears” over and over again. I had no idea what to do, so I did what any sensible man would: prescribe an antibiotic and get the heck out of Dodge.
2/30/16 – I saw 74b around campus today. He was smiling, there was a skip in his step, and his eyes were not glazed over. When I asked him where this change had come from, 74b said, “I took a nap.” END