Opinions

Night of the Living Trans Fats!

What?  The government is telling me what to eat again!  Mayor Bloomberg, take off the mask, we know you’re in there!  I will never be able to eat bacon, coffee cakes, or anything lathered in delicious trans fat ever again.  Thanks [Michelle] Obama, now the cake really is a lie (Portal reference anyone?)!  Seriously, what is with these FDA guys, why are they infringing on our privacy and telling us what we cannot eat?

Well, actually, they aren’t telling us that we can’t eat trans fats; if you check the recipe at the end, you too can grow your own beautiful trans fats to bathe yourselves in.   The FDA is not even banning certain foods, so rejoice Tea Party conservatives, for you can keep your bacon and Super Pretzels.  So what is the FDA doing?  And what are these evil entities known as trans fats?

First off, trans fats cause an estimated 20,000 heart attacks and 7000 deaths a year in the United States.  That’s more deaths caused by these fats than lightning strikes, shark attacks, airplane crashes, and cases of spontaneous combustion combined per year.  Trans fats are not natural; they are an artificial substance that gives food a longer shelf life, a different taste and a different texture.  So they’re basically preservatives. Preservatives which are really bad for you.

How will this affect us?  On average, Americans consume 1 gram of trans fat per day, which is significantly lower than the 4-5 we consumed 10 years ago.  So really, most foods we eat are already bereft of most trans fats because this isn’t the first time the FDA has tried to regulate them.  This ban is actually put into place to stop the usage of unsafe preservatives in restaurants and other food items.  Is this interfering with the private sector?  Well, there are plenty of banned foods out there, so this is not a major occurrence.  If people were allowed to use the various other kinds of chemical substances available today, there would be a lot more than 7000 deaths a year from heart disease. This is the FDA’s job, and I commend them for attempting to remove trans fats from American diets.

“But Andrew, this conflicts with your Libertarian values!”

Well, no.  This is totally different from banning 32 ounce sodas or taking over public school cafeterias.  This is a removal of an ingredient that the consumer cannot control, and an ingredient that is proven to be dangerous.  There are laws to keep us safe, and this is one of them. There are hundreds of ingredients that are banned, so I think we can rest easy on this issue.

And here is Dear Old Mum’s recipe for “The Best Trans Fats in all Cecil County, Maryland!”

1st: Take 1 Cup of Hydrocarbons and 1 Cup of Vegetable Oil and place in a bowl of no particular dimension

2nd: Take a large wooden spoon and mix hydrocarbons and vegetable oils rather religiously

3rd: Take bowl of raw Trans fats and heat for 28 seconds at 300 degrees Kelvin to create a double bond

4th: Cool it with either a Lasko 2004W or Vornado 600 fan for 10 hours

5th: Color Trans fats with either Red #2 or Blue #4 for extra flavor, color, texture, and chances of obtaining heart disease

Enjoy! Serves about eight.

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