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The Waltonian Guide to [Not] Getting a Valentine

1. Follow your potential Valentine around. Learn their schedule, phone number, health insurance policy number and EU password. Potential Valentines love this! When you try to connect with another person by learning small, private things about their life, they will be flattered for sure. Medical history is a plus!

2. Read verses from Song of Songs to your potential Valentine in a suggestive tone. When your potential Valentine asks why you have chosen Song of Songs, explain that it is simply that time in your 365-day plan of reading through the Bible for the fifth time. Finish your provocative reading with a recitation of 1 Cor. 13:4-13. Then, wink.

3. Talk about your hygiene. Potential Valentines love to hear about how you sweat like a pig and only shower every other day. Be sure to talk about the fact that you do not floss, even though your dentist always compliments you on doing so. Give your potential Valentine the recipe for your homemade deodorant made out of coconut oil, baking soda, bison intestine extract, and various essential oils.

4. Tell your potential Valentine that you have slipped some love potion into their morning pumpkin juice. Wait for the placebo effect to take place. (Disclaimers: 1) This only works at Hogwarts; 2) Students are advised not to actually slip love potion into the beverages of other students.)

5. Find God’s match for you through Christian Mingle. With plenty of equally, unequally, and differently yoked followers of Christ all over the world, you are guaranteed to find someone. If no one catches your interest, try checking out the “Holy/pure/single but looking” classifieds on www.christslist.com.

6. Demonstrate your loudest burp during a class with your potential Valentine. Potential Valentines love when their suitors are able to demonstrate loud eruptions of bodily gas coming through the place where you are supposed to kiss them. Make sure the burp is loud and resonant. The wetter, the better.

7. Make a voodoo doll representing your potential Valentine. Show it to them and allow them to admire your hard work. Play with it in front of your potential Valentine. Try poking it with a needle and watch your potential Valentine squirm in horrible pain and agony. Be sure to smile affectionately.

8. Say things like non-denominational, football, I only believe in the Bible, Let’s get our worship on, New Revised Street Language Living Translation, nation founded on Christian beliefs and I think God is telling me that I should break up with my current partner and begin dating you. Potential Valentines love obnoxious phrases like these. For extra Valentine points, offer to pray before your first date.

9. Tell your potential Valentine that you are their Prince/Princess Charming, the one that they have been reading about in their fundamentalist devotional book and the one that God has been saving especially for them. This will knock your potential Valentine off of their feet. Bonus: If you are a male, offer to be the leader in your relationship.

10. Ask Bettie Ann to send an e-mail to the entire EU community advertising your availability on Feb. 14 from 1 p.m. to 1 a.m. Rather than going on a real date with your potential Valentine, tell them that you would prefer to sit in your room together and watch a movie.

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